I Turn To You - Clay Crosse
This song goes very well with my story, it is exactly what I need to do more often… turn to God.
This February (2009) I had brain surgery again, only this time it was on my left side. I was thankful that no facial problems occurred after the surgery but do miss the little sounds I heard before. Being profoundly deaf has been an experience indeed. Most of all I miss my music. However I miss the small every day sounds as well; birds in the trees, car tire wheels on the road, my mom’s voice, my nephews laugh, keys jiggling as I unlock the door, the rustling sound of feet and papers in a crowed place… and so much more.
As if this was not hard enough to cope with, in May (just 3 months later) I started to notice that I could not see things very clearly. The changes were small and slow so I was not sure what was wrong. It took 2 months to realize it was getting worse. I went to the eye doctors had test and was promised that the new glasses prescription would help me see better. I had to wait for that, then when I got them, it did nothing to help me. The same process happened again and by now its been over another month. Things got worse until they stopped at just “bad”. I couldn’t see any type of hand written things and only words on the computer if it was big and bold font. I couldn’t see my own writing, lines on the paper or even keys on a keyboard (I thank God that I memorized the keyboard a long time ago). I couldn’t see money, things on the floor, faces of people, pictures on computer or printed. Worst of all I could not see my church interpreters or any interpreter. I couldn’t use my video phone, I could barley text on my cell phone. I couldn’t find food in the frigate or cut anything (bless my mom for making me food). I couldn’t watch movies (see the captions or the images), and reading took a lot of long hard work.
At this point I am so depressed and board at home. All day being newly profoundly deaf and now part blind. I had to also skip summer classes because of this, and I so desperately wanted to go back to school, to have it all be normal again. I guess that wasn’t Gods plan though. As time kept passing me by and the summer was disappearing I was worried about Fall classes. Me and my mom worked hard to get my books and classes all paid for and to get a new bus pass. I worked hard to figure out what classes I need and what works best for my schedule, I had even hoped to work at the tutoring center again.
Finally the doctors did a test and found that I had high pressure in my brain and they set up surgery. Aug 12th was the day I was going to get it fixed. Last month everything with Palomar was all set and ready, and I was starting to get a little excited about my classes. Aug 24th was the first day of Fall classes. I found out in a follow up appointment one week after eye surgery that possible improvement wouldn’t show for at least 2 months. There goes my Fall classes, and with it the last bit of strength I had left. I was devastated. However I realized I was trying to steer my own life, go where I thought I should go, and as soon as I took a deep breath and let go of the steering wheel God directed my life.
I was given a puppy. The most sweetest, cutest puppy of my very own. I had spent most of my life wanting a new puppy to raise as my baby, and I got one just when I was at my lowest. God blessed me with many generous friends, family, and even people I never met at my church. The process of getting my puppy showed me (again) how loved I am by so many people. I named my puppy Sassy Ann and she brings me much joy and happiness every day.
It is now September 1st, 2009 and things with my eyes have yet to improve. I have an eye doctor appointment today but I have no expectations for that. I keep reminding my self to let God steer my life, even though it is scary and to my eyes looks like the wrong path. But God see the whole path before me and he knows where I will go while I only see the short distance in front of me. Every day I have people praying for me and every day I pray and breath and just try to live my life the best way I can. Sassy helps my days, it is hard to not smile with her around.
I wrote this mostly because I find that my stories are inspiriting to others. Maybe they will help someone who reads them or maybe not. I have no idea what will happen next but I take courage in the fact that with God on my side I can do anything and get through anything.
