My Past, my Present, my Futor

I was tring to find a song that best matched my mood, however I kept finding love songs. So here is finaly the one song I could think of that best matched me :D

Here is some basic information for those of you that don't know my medical condition.

I have Neurofibromatosis Type 2 (NF-2). I was diagnosed with this rare, non-malignant, tumor disease at the early age of 4 years old. This disease is progressive and because of that I was monitored by doctors all of my life. Most of the procedures became routine, even for a young child growing up. Doctor visits and testing always seemed normal.

I love to read. I also enjoy writing, creating, and designing short movies and videos. I also love going to school. I know that sounds a little bit odd, but I do. When I was 16 years old, and a Jr. in High School, I wasn't popular but I had a few good frinds. I was a straight ‘A’ student, friends with most of my teachers, and always considered a teachers pet. I was planing my futor even then and enrolled in Maric College to learn how to become a massage therapist.

Near the end of my Jr. year I began to experience “black outs”. My mother was told by the doctors that my tumors were growing and surgery pluse radio wave treatment was my only answer to helping me with my symptoms.

I was told worse case situations and was scared to death of the possuble outcomes of this surgery. I knew I would wake up deaf at least. I never liked doctors, then or now, they never really know what to do since this is such a rare situation.

When I woke up from surgery the first thing I said to my mom was, "mommy, I'm deaf", she nearly fainted. My right ear was totaly deaf and I lost some of my hearing in my left ear due to the radio wave treatment. This treatment was conducted to help stop the tumor from growing.

As if that hardship and trama was not enough to make my 12th year in high school difficult, I had back surgery and eye surgery on both eyes. My doctors said they needed to remove tumors on my spine and keep my eyes from swelling (an effect caused by the brain surgery). After the sugery I also lost the movement of the right side of my face, I hated my self for so long after that, thought of my self as deformed. I can talk perfect still except some letters I cant say right.

All of this happened around the holidays; my birthday, holloween, thanksgiving, and christmas. It was the hardest year of my life and I missed a lot of school, which really stressed and depressed me because I believed stongly in attendance. Many people recated devistated and I hated getting their simpaty. I lost mostly all of my friends that year. They were fine around me but they would talk and joke and laugh among them selfs and would exclude me without meaning to because I couldn’t understand them. I felt so alone. Ironically, and luckly, I had taken up American Sign Language (ASL) before I even knew this was going to happen to me. Talk about premonitions.

I seemed to pick it up easily. Maybe that’s because I knew deep down inside this was the only way I was going to be able to communicate with people. I had many conversations with my ASL teacher and I began to make new friends. I had to drop out of Maric College because I needed to concentrate on my sign language.

The doctors have still been monitoring me, and MRI's are still a regular. I had eye sugery again only a few months ago (yr 08) because they where sweling up again, I don't know why. Unfortunately, I found out that the tumor on my left side, the one I had radio treatment on, is starting to grow now. Sometimes I get headaches from the pressure of the tumor pushing on my brain nerves; however, I am highly energetic and highly motivated. I love being in school and my new passion is ASL. My goal is to become an ASL teacher. I have learned to appreciate being deaf. I do not want to look at myself as handicapped. I may have had challenges but I am a fighter. I believe in overcoming challenges.

Currently, I am in school trying to finish up with my general education. I have already completed all of my ASL classes and ultimately want to get my teaching credentials. I have come out of my shell and am learning to socialize all over again, just in a different way.

I trust in God and know He is with me. I even volunteer at my church through severly orgenizations and working with kids. I have learned to become proud of who I am and I don’t feel sorry for myself.

Recently, I was told that my left tumor is growing. I have to have to surgery again, and it will take away what little bit of hearing I have left. I am able to hear sounds, but I can’t make them out words. This is fine, Its the other things, the unknown things, that scare me.

I need to stay away from self-pity and remove myself from negative thinking. I want to encourage other people and show them how to overcome all things. I think it is because of my faith in God and support of my family that I am able to feel this way. I also remind myself to take one day at a time and know that God is always with me. He will never forsake me.